Wednesday, 23 September 2009

Lexophiles (Lovers of words)

This rather tickled me today!! (with thanks to Craig in Australia!)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead give-away.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in
France which resulted in Linoleum

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in
Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a
Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When
his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.