Trafalgar - 2008

The story is familiar; the characters etched on our memories, but times have changed.

Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'

Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'

Nelson (reading aloud): '' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What in God's name is all that gobbledygook?'

Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, Sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now and we had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'

Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'

Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.'

Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.'

Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy to combat binge drinking.'

Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... full speed ahead.'

Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water Sir.'

Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Get me a report from the crow's nest please.'

Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'

Nelson: 'What! Why not?'

Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, Sir. No harnesses have been installed and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding has been erected.'

Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'

Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral.'

Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'

Hardy: 'Health and safety again, Sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'

Nelson: 'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.'

Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'

Nelson: 'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'

Hardy: 'A couple of problems there too, Sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'

Nelson: 'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'

Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'

Nelson: 'What? This is mutiny!'

Hardy: 'It's not that, Sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'

Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'

Hardy: 'Actually, Sir, we're not.'

Nelson: 'We're not?'

Hardy: 'No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'

Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'

Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying hat Sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report.'

Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.'

Hardy: 'Not any more, Sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life'

Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'

Hardy: As I explained, Sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'

Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'

Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'

Nelson: 'In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy.'

(um, with humble apologies to those of a sensitive disposition!!)